brandons guide to picking up japanese women

(based on actual events)

step one: find a safe and open spot in your local park. preferably one with a beautiful view of a fountain or some type of body of water

step two: take out a guitar. play any song. It doesn’t have to even be an actual song, you could just play gibberish and pluck various strings, as long as it is audible, you will be fine

step three: wait for three cigarette smoking lesbians to show up with cans of lemon sake in their hands. they will probably come and sit by you. one of them might talk to you very close to your face while her two friends make out with each other a couple feet away.

step four: wait for the girl close to you to start trying to make out with you. she will probably start by trying to touch you a lot, trying to hug you and trying to rub her hands through your hair. her english might not be very good, and she might not even speak english at all, but if youre a former japan missionary, that should not be a problem.

step five: choose from one of two options

one – keep making out with her. buddy youre mackin with a japanese chick and she claims shes 20 years old (almost a definite lie). 98% of the missionaries in japan and all the desperate american guys in this country are wishing for this very thing right this very second. some crude men pay thousands of dollars, lie to their wives about going on a business trip, and search the streets day and night for such an underage girl.

two – realize shes probably on acid and drunk as well as probably tasting like an ashtray, call the whole thing off, keep playing guitar and keep it cool. she likes avril lavigne songs, so play those to keep her busy while her two other friends french each other. even if you don’t know how to play the songs on guitar, just make something up and try to remember the words to the song as best you can.

step six – wait for the entire crew of ten or so japanese lesbians to come and pick up this poor, coked out young woman. say goodbye many times in over six different languages. blow kisses.

her name was pe-chan, and she really wasn’t that crazy, just under the influence of one, two, or seven separate substances.

if you ever read this pe-chan…just let me say youre one in a million, god bless ya